It wasn't our last court date. Who was I kidding?
I shed some tears in court. Apparently the case manager did too when she heard me tell the judge, through my tears, that I can't wait another six months to adopt my daughter.
I have been wearing a necklace that I received from my husband as a Mother's Day gift. It is a heart that says "Born in my Heart," with a separate mini heart charm and a charm with my daughter's name. I told the case manager and my husband that I am wearing the necklace every single day until Adoption Day. I cried again, and this time my husband joined in with the tears.
The issues that still need resolution are not even worth going in to. They will be sorted out and the adoption is proceeding. The promise of a spring or summer adoption just no longer exists.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Thoughts before our "last" court date
Friday, right before my family goes on our annual Memorial Day pseudo camping trip with 6 other families, we are due to be in court again. This time should be the last time before THE time. At least I think so. Our case manager has contacted us a couple of times for last bits of information such as what CD's name will be after we adopt her. That was a pretty wild moment.
We are keeping her given first name of course. Since she does not know her middle name, we are changing it in honor of my husband's grandmother. We are also changing her last name and dropping the one she has because neither her biological mother nor biological father share her last name (her last name is that of a man who tested negative for a paternity test).
Two years ago, before our annual camping trip, CD's biological mother had briefly re-entered her life after being AWOL for her first ten months with us. In fact, we got on the road to our trip immediately after CD visited with her mother that year.
How different this year's camping trip will be. No one has heard from or been able to contact CD's biological mother since February 2012. CD has not seen her biological mother since the last time she came to visit in August of 2011. That camping trip two years ago, we wondered what our future with CD would be and whether we were entering the beginning of a transition process for CD to return to her biological mother.
I can't help wonder where she is now and what she thinks about when it comes to CD. She left things in February of 2012 with a phone call to court announcing that she wanted our family to adopt CD. I wonder if she would imagine that CD is still not adopted over a year later. I wonder if she ever considers reaching out to find out how CD is doing or realizes how unfinished she left things when she didn't show up to meet with us to share information and transfer guardianship last March. And I wonder if she will be in CD's life again one day or if she will remain forever gone.
We are keeping her given first name of course. Since she does not know her middle name, we are changing it in honor of my husband's grandmother. We are also changing her last name and dropping the one she has because neither her biological mother nor biological father share her last name (her last name is that of a man who tested negative for a paternity test).
Two years ago, before our annual camping trip, CD's biological mother had briefly re-entered her life after being AWOL for her first ten months with us. In fact, we got on the road to our trip immediately after CD visited with her mother that year.
How different this year's camping trip will be. No one has heard from or been able to contact CD's biological mother since February 2012. CD has not seen her biological mother since the last time she came to visit in August of 2011. That camping trip two years ago, we wondered what our future with CD would be and whether we were entering the beginning of a transition process for CD to return to her biological mother.
I can't help wonder where she is now and what she thinks about when it comes to CD. She left things in February of 2012 with a phone call to court announcing that she wanted our family to adopt CD. I wonder if she would imagine that CD is still not adopted over a year later. I wonder if she ever considers reaching out to find out how CD is doing or realizes how unfinished she left things when she didn't show up to meet with us to share information and transfer guardianship last March. And I wonder if she will be in CD's life again one day or if she will remain forever gone.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
On anger and the System - an update
So, for anyone out there that is keeping track, we are in month 34 of our fostering CD journey.
Our court dates are now every two weeks rather than every three months as our current judge is responsible for getting us to that what seems like forever dangling carrot, Adoption Day.
I am exhausted. I mean really exhausted. Most days I feel like I can't keep my eyes open to get through the day. My days that I work from home when I normally do my report writing I spend napping. I am behind in my reports. I don't like being behind. When my husband does the bedtime routine for CD, I find myself falling asleep in the next room fully clothed.
While my doctor is having me tested for a B12 deficiency and I am now taking B12 supplements in case it is my B12 (it's possible, I take 2 meds that interfere with B12 absorption) I think it is more likely that it is the stress. When I say stress, what I should really say is, the anger. Or rage. That has no where to go but in.
I am carrying a whole lot of anger in me. I am angry at a System that writes reports and doesn't even spell check them. Or fact check. Or use decent grammar. Or hand them in on time. I am angry that even though we have a judge who is awesome, passionate and motivated to make this adoption happen, she can't really hold anyone accountable to do their jobs as she can only force them to come back to court so she can ream them out.
I want the System to hold their people accountable. I want them to know how to use spell check and if they don't use spell check, for them to get in trouble. You know, like I would if I handed in a report that was written on a first grade level. Or what happens when my husband makes a factual error on a financial report which could affect some millionaire's incoming next million.
I want them to get my daughter's doctors name correct, name both, not one, of her bio half siblings under the category "siblings," have my sons' names right and their ages correct. I don't want the last paragraph to read that CD "is fortunate to be adopted by a RELATIVE at such a young age" when we are not relatives and this mistake is proof that the report was cut and pasted from some other child's.
I want a System that fires "nursing coordinators" that don't actually collect a child's medical information, comes out to visit every 8 months when every 3 is required.
I want the supervisors to be any better than those they are supervising. I want them to keep to their promises and for them to have someone over them ensuring that they do.
My tax dollars. Your tax dollars. WE pay for these "services." We pay for people who get rewarded for working in slow motion and for being unproductive.
So now we have a question about policy regarding this stupid subsidy issue. It seems that the judge, the law guardian and the case managers are all in agreement that the decisions coming out of the subsidy unit are absurd. CD carries a psychological diagnosis, has medical issues and issues that will be addressed by an Occupational Therapist. Don't get me wrong, none of these issues are severe. But they do exist and they meet the adoption subsidy criteria that our state has set.
Our simple question is this. Can we go ahead and adopt with an appeal pending? The law guardian doesn't know. She called two other lawyers she was sure would know and they don't know. The case managers don't know. The case manager's supervisor doesn't know.
Why? Because 98% of families get subsidies post adoption and none of them have had this situation before!
My husband and I have already decided that if the choice is to adopt and let the appeal go or wait on a minimum of 6 months appeal process, we will dump the appeal. We can't do six more months. You know what happens when there is so much stress and anger that has no place to go and it festers inside a person? I have a feeling most of you know. I am not willing to put myself through it. Not for money. Not even for justice.
This should mean we will adopt in the next 2-3 months. It can't happen soon enough.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Thoughts on motherhood
I never feel much like writing anymore but I had a few thoughts in reaction to what some people have said or written lately as Mother's Day approaches that seem to warrant some responses.
To the lady who wrote the Huffington Post article on being single, childless and over 40 while yearning to have the husband, birthing and raising a child experience, I feel your pain and I wish for you that your dreams will come true.
I would warn you however, that your fantasies about what you are going to get from being a mother may set you up for disappointment.
We can only control what we give as parents. We cannot control what we get.
To the infertile woman in anguish who writes on twitter about never having a child to be a "mini-me," I also wish for you that your dreams of being a mother come true. And soon. I can hear how desperate you are and the anguish you feel when a friend announces she is pregnant on a Facebook status.
If you want a mini-me you may want to buy an American Girl doll. Chances are all that money and energy you are spending trying to get pregnant won't get you a mini-you. That is not how this thing works.
To the women when having a discussion about why people have children who respond with, "it is the natural order of things" as the only reason to have children I have this to say:
I get that there is societal pressure. But let me tell you. If you don't want to be a parent, you are not alone and there is nothing pathological about you for not wanting this job. Parenting is a 24/7 365 job and if you want to do it well, it is for the rest of your life. It is a really hard job. It is much more difficult to be a parent when you don't want to be one than it is to spit in the face of societal pressure.
Other people can have the children. You can do an unlimited amount of other things with your life. It is ok. Kids know when their parents don't enjoy being their parents even if you feed them, bathe them and keep them in clean clothes. They know and that pit in their stomach that they carry around with them haunts them for the rest of their lives. It isn't any more fun for them than it would be for you to be their parent and not want to be.
You have options. You can opt not to have children. I will be applauding you from here for knowing yourself and not caving to what you are likely experiencing as some pretty intense societal pressure.
That being said, as you may have noticed, I quite like being a mom and toast my three extraordinary children who turned me into the mother that I admit, I am quite proud to be. When I fantasized about being a mother, I never really thought about who I wanted my children to be. I was just obsessed with being good at it, feeling that if I was going to be someone's mom I owed it to them to do a damn good job cause this world is a tough place to navigate without a solid foundation of love and support.
As it turns out, not having any preconceived expectations for my children seems to be working for me so far. It has led me to the ability to enjoy them for the individuals that they are, feel pride with them in their achievements, learn from all they have to have to teach me and look forward to seeing what they come up with next.
To the lady who wrote the Huffington Post article on being single, childless and over 40 while yearning to have the husband, birthing and raising a child experience, I feel your pain and I wish for you that your dreams will come true.
I would warn you however, that your fantasies about what you are going to get from being a mother may set you up for disappointment.
We can only control what we give as parents. We cannot control what we get.
To the infertile woman in anguish who writes on twitter about never having a child to be a "mini-me," I also wish for you that your dreams of being a mother come true. And soon. I can hear how desperate you are and the anguish you feel when a friend announces she is pregnant on a Facebook status.
If you want a mini-me you may want to buy an American Girl doll. Chances are all that money and energy you are spending trying to get pregnant won't get you a mini-you. That is not how this thing works.
To the women when having a discussion about why people have children who respond with, "it is the natural order of things" as the only reason to have children I have this to say:
I get that there is societal pressure. But let me tell you. If you don't want to be a parent, you are not alone and there is nothing pathological about you for not wanting this job. Parenting is a 24/7 365 job and if you want to do it well, it is for the rest of your life. It is a really hard job. It is much more difficult to be a parent when you don't want to be one than it is to spit in the face of societal pressure.
Other people can have the children. You can do an unlimited amount of other things with your life. It is ok. Kids know when their parents don't enjoy being their parents even if you feed them, bathe them and keep them in clean clothes. They know and that pit in their stomach that they carry around with them haunts them for the rest of their lives. It isn't any more fun for them than it would be for you to be their parent and not want to be.
You have options. You can opt not to have children. I will be applauding you from here for knowing yourself and not caving to what you are likely experiencing as some pretty intense societal pressure.
That being said, as you may have noticed, I quite like being a mom and toast my three extraordinary children who turned me into the mother that I admit, I am quite proud to be. When I fantasized about being a mother, I never really thought about who I wanted my children to be. I was just obsessed with being good at it, feeling that if I was going to be someone's mom I owed it to them to do a damn good job cause this world is a tough place to navigate without a solid foundation of love and support.
As it turns out, not having any preconceived expectations for my children seems to be working for me so far. It has led me to the ability to enjoy them for the individuals that they are, feel pride with them in their achievements, learn from all they have to have to teach me and look forward to seeing what they come up with next.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
I know she isn't yours, but. . .
On Tuesday I took CD for her annual well visit. Her pediatrician's office is filled with some pretty awesome staff that have been extremely helpful and compassionate with CD and in aiding our family in any way they can. We were very fortunate in that these are the same pediatricians who have been treating my sons for close to 11 years and by chance, they accept CD's Medicaid.
There is one pediatrician that I probably wrote about way back in 2010 that seems to have a brain block on an ability to learn appropriate adoption language. I know that people are well intentioned and the general public stumbles to find appropriate terminology and it generally does not bother me at all.
I do think however, that we should be able to hold people who have been capable of becoming successful medical doctors who specialize in treating children to a higher standard. I choose to schedule appointments with the doctors that I prefer in the practice, but on Tuesday, Dr. S poked her head in to say hello. Our conversation:
Dr. S: It seems like yesterday that you brought CD as a baby! How old is she now?
Me: Isn't it amazing how time flies? She is four already!
Dr. S: I know she isn't yours but. . .
Me: Of course she is mine! (thinking you do know that CD can hear you, right?)
Dr. S: You know what I mean, I know she grew in your heart. I mean biologically. It is amazing because she could be yours, she looks like you
Me: A lot of people say that. (thinking, you really need to learn that four year olds can understand you and that you don't know what has and has not been explained to my daughter. You are a freakin' pediatrician and CD can't be the only child of parents in your practice who did not join the family via pregnancy and birth)
At the time, I didn't address this interaction in any real way. I was more focused on getting through the visit and didn't give it much thought. Perhaps I could have made use of the teachable moment. It could benefit Dr. S and her patients and I have no doubt that Dr S was not being malicious in any way, just clueless.
Guess who had a long conversation with me this morning about whose baby she is, why R (CD's birth mother) couldn't take care of her anymore and if she is still R's baby?
It was a good conversation, but still Dr. S has some learning to do. I am not sure how I am going to address this but I think I would be remiss if I didn't do something.
There is one pediatrician that I probably wrote about way back in 2010 that seems to have a brain block on an ability to learn appropriate adoption language. I know that people are well intentioned and the general public stumbles to find appropriate terminology and it generally does not bother me at all.
I do think however, that we should be able to hold people who have been capable of becoming successful medical doctors who specialize in treating children to a higher standard. I choose to schedule appointments with the doctors that I prefer in the practice, but on Tuesday, Dr. S poked her head in to say hello. Our conversation:
Dr. S: It seems like yesterday that you brought CD as a baby! How old is she now?
Me: Isn't it amazing how time flies? She is four already!
Dr. S: I know she isn't yours but. . .
Me: Of course she is mine! (thinking you do know that CD can hear you, right?)
Dr. S: You know what I mean, I know she grew in your heart. I mean biologically. It is amazing because she could be yours, she looks like you
Me: A lot of people say that. (thinking, you really need to learn that four year olds can understand you and that you don't know what has and has not been explained to my daughter. You are a freakin' pediatrician and CD can't be the only child of parents in your practice who did not join the family via pregnancy and birth)
At the time, I didn't address this interaction in any real way. I was more focused on getting through the visit and didn't give it much thought. Perhaps I could have made use of the teachable moment. It could benefit Dr. S and her patients and I have no doubt that Dr S was not being malicious in any way, just clueless.
Guess who had a long conversation with me this morning about whose baby she is, why R (CD's birth mother) couldn't take care of her anymore and if she is still R's baby?
It was a good conversation, but still Dr. S has some learning to do. I am not sure how I am going to address this but I think I would be remiss if I didn't do something.
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