The pains of being a foster brother: My son describes his attachment and the dread of potential loss

A post by Derech Eretz

It has come to my attention that people want to hear the (not so) bad side of being a foster brother. Let me start by saying that the most painful thing is knowing that we might not have her forever.

Even more painful would be knowing that she was placed in a bad home.

I don't look at CD quite like she's my sister, similarly, but different. I try not to get too attached, but that's really hard because at this point, she thinks that I am her brother and she is my sister forever, but that might change. I, for one, know that she is my foster sister and I am her foster brother.

Sometimes when I think of that, I feel physical pain, well, it seems like it. I feel it poking my heart and my heart is so annoyed at it that it tries to scream, but it can't, because it's can't make a sound besides the regular thumping that occurs in one's heart. It then goes to my lungs and the only way I can describe it is that it feels like I'm a pull-back motor. It feels like there's a spring that would spring so quickly back to it's original shape if the pressure were released. To cope with this emotion of frustration and depression, I just try to love CD.

One day, if we were to adopt her, all of this feeling would be gone, and the longer it is, the more I get this feeling. Meanwhile, I try to think like this guy:

Yes, it can be painful. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

I would gladly answer any queries that you have in the comments section of this post.

An interview with my 9 year-old son

Me: It's now been over 5 months since CD joined our family. What have been some of the biggest surprises since she came?

Gack: That we may actually keep her

Me: What do you think of keeping her?

Gack: A mixture of sad and happy. Sad because no matter what happens, she won't go back to her family. Happy because we did a good thing.

Me: Do you feel like CD is your sister?

Gack: Yes.

Me: How is CD different now than when she first came to us?

Gack: When she first came, she couldn't walk. Now she can talk a lot more.

Me: What does it feel like to go from being the youngest in the family, to the middle child and a big brother?

Gack: I get less attention. I like having a little sister. She is really cute and I like to chase her.

Me: How does our family feel different now?

Gack: It feels like there is more activity. It used to be quieter in the house.

Me: What is something cute that CD does?

Gack: She wrinkles her nose.

Me: What is something annoying that she does?

Gack: Throws her juice at me.

Me: How would you want to celebrate, if we adopt CD?

Gack: A party! I would feel proud and sad on that day. I would be excited that she gets to be part of our family.

Our exciting Christmas

So, no. Our family is Jewish, and we don't actually celebrate Christmas. However, Christmas is a wonderful time to get together with other people who are not joining most of the rest of the country in celebrating a joyous and quite lovely holiday. Merry Christmas to those who are celebrating, by the way.

This year, having an extra day off for Christmas, as we have done before, we decided it would be a great idea to go on a mini-vacation with Jewish friends. So we went, together with 4 other families, about 1.5 hours South toward a big aquarium, the next state over's capital and in close proximity to an indoor waterpark. Nice, right? Ten adults, 14 kids, 6 hotel suites, enough kosher Chinese food to feed an army, board games, mini-vans. . .I mean, perfect. We even did a traditional Sabbath meal. We rented a conference like room that overlooked the pool, made our blessing on the wine, the challah bread, and sang some traditional songs before we dug into our Chinese food. Christmas songs were being piped through the hotel sound system, the entire room was adorned with wreaths, sleigh beds, empty boxes wrapped in gift wrap and of course, there was a giant Christmas tree, but it was lovely, and comical in many ways. We removed a wreath from one table and put it aside in order to light our Sabbath candles and ended up accused of *stealing* the wreath come the next day, but whatever. We just put it gently aside and forgot to put it back in its spot. I really did find the whole scene comical.

The kids had a great time at the hotel pool. Saturday night the group split into two to see various movies and there was plenty of time to laugh, play Scrabble, Risk, Poker and just bond.

I must say though, this was not the smoothest or most relaxing vacation I have ever had. The evening before we left I was venting on twitter about my need for antibiotics and my amazement that as a Jew on the eve before Christmas eve, I did not have a doctor to turn to. My "cold" had become something more and I knew that waiting until Monday for antibiotics would not have been a good idea. In the end, two friends, a cousin and the doctor on call at my GP's office all came through. Sinus infection. Yuck. Great way to start a vacation.

I felt so sick that I felt like canceling but I did not want the family to miss out on spending time with our friends. So, the first day, I stayed back at the hotel while the others enjoyed the aquarium. I felt like crap. I was told that at the aquarium, CD was an angel, even sat in her stroller until about lunch time. I have never gotten her to sit in a stroller for more than 10 minutes. Ever. I was told that though she was afraid of the sharks at the beginning, by the end she was saying "bye, bye" to them. Tough kid, that one. She loved the fish. Like many other ways she just fits our family as though she was meant to be a part of it, she loves animals of all kinds.

The second night, I don't know what happened. CD, usually a fantastic sleeper, threw us a major curve ball. She would not go down and after she finally did, she decided to wake up at 4:15am as though it is some normal time to start the day. On. Vacation. By close to 6 we gave up trying to put her back to sleep and my husband drove her around until she fell asleep in the car. What a night.

In the morning, the News began to report blizzard warnings. We were intent on not disappointing our kids and planned to stop for a few hours at an indoor waterpark before we went home. We figured, we would go early and get on the road before it got too late. Hah! Try getting five families mobilized, after an hour of attempting to print out discount tickets and get out early! My friend referenced the social psychology concept of "group think" when reflecting back on the decision making process Sunday morning. We all knew, individually, that the idea of going 20 minutes further south with a blizzard coming was idiotic, but put all our great minds together and we were willing to take the risk. What can I say? Dumb?

By the time we left the waterpark, it was, well, blizzard conditions out there. For those who do not live on the East coast of the US, let me tell you, the driving conditions were truly, truly, treacherous. Cars were left stranded all over the highways, many skidded into snow banks and visibility couldn't have been more than a few feet. One friend opted to go back to the hotel and not even try the roads. Smart friend. We drove until dark, when I finally convinced my husband (who insisted he had to be at work the next day) to press "lodging" on the GPS. We pulled off the road just before dark and stayed overnight at a hotel with hundreds of other people who found themselves in the exact same position. One friend drove from 2pm until 1am, when she and her family finally made it home with multiple very frightening moments along the way. I could not have even imagined staying on the road another hour much less until 1am!

We survived the ride home the next day and are now home, safe and sound. Well, it took 4 young guys and a couple of hundred bucks to get into the front door, but now we are home. Perhaps it was not a Christmas sipping eggnog by the fireplace, but it was a memorable one, none-the-less. Family, good friends, its all anyone really needs to turn any day into a holiday.

Wishing you all Happy Holidays.

Celebrating our 5 month anniversary

Anyone who is interested in knowing how long it took me to adjust, stop second guessing our decision, feel settled having added a new child to our family via the foster care route, start missing my little girl during the day, get to the point where I am afraid to admit to myself that I have grown to love her as my own, it was somewhere between month four and five. That's how long it took.

The attachment and affection was from minute one. It was just there somehow. The feeling that CD is my daughter, it's here now. Yes, the knowledge that she may be my daughter today but not 6 months from now is never forgotten, but something really settled this month. I stopped worrying about raising someone else's biological child. I stopped wondering if we had done the right thing. There are no more concerns about whether we can handle what will come our way or how her presence or future potential absence will affect the boys. It is and was all worth it already.

My boys and I were discussing this last night. They agree. While my younger son will admit to feeling like he doesn't get as much attention anymore, he is very quick to also admit how much love he feels for CD and how loved she makes him feel. My boys are not torn, they don't want to go back and have our family become the four of us again. My husband could not be more in love with his little girl. It's all solidified. We are all on the same page. We want CD to be in our family forever. If that is not to be, we have no regrets and we all agree that we would do it all over again.

In fact, my husband and I agree (if the children will one day as well) that we would consider adding a fourth to our family, though we would need another bedroom before we could and it would not be for a while. CD's presence in our lives has put so much in perspective. Little problems and nuisances matter so much less. I couldn't feel closer to my husband and my children than I do right now. It is so plainly clear that there is nothing more worthwhile that my husband and I could be doing with our lives than raising our boys and for right now or forever, our little girl. They are three extraordinary children. With my oldest going on 13, I realize just how much it all goes by so fast and how much it all matters. All the time spent with the kids matters, from conversations about school in the evenings, to seeing my son practice his karate moves to J showing off his latest self-taught magic trick, it all matters. Telling my children every day how much I love them, letting them know how proud they make me and how I could not have wished for better children, it all matters.

CD,

I love you more than words could say. Daddy, J and Z feel the same way. The four of you are the greatest gifts anyone could have ever given me and the loves of my life.

Love, Mommy

Make sure to watch, tivo or dvr this program this year. It airs on CBS, Wednesday December 22 at 8pm EST. It is called "A Home for the Holidays." It features performances by top artists as well as tells stories about adopting through foster care. It was really enjoyable last year - to see my favorite clip, check out my link to Michael Franti's "Have a little faith in me" on my side bar. I must have watched it 2 dozen times. The Dave Thomas Foundation is behind this incredible event, more information about their foundation can also be found on my side bar.

If, one day, CD really becomes my daughter

Normally, as a self protective measure for both me and my family, I don't allow myself to fantasize much about a future with CD as my daughter. I buy her toys and books that are suited for her age as it is today. I buy her clothes and shoes for now, never the size ahead.

This week, I gave myself a break and let my mind wander. For those of my readers who are so touchingly protective of me, not wanting to see me hurt, I thank you. But I am a big girl and I know that nothing is for sure. Nothing is even really for "probably" as far as I am concerned. Not quite yet.

But, I gave myself a break the last couple of days. I fantasized about celebrating CD's adoption and giving her our last name. I imagined a ceremony in my synagogue in which we would give CD an additional name, a Hebrew name, in memory of my husband's beloved grandmother.

I started to let myself look forward to CD drawing pictures of her family where she is smiling and holding our hands. I let myself envision her one day reading to me while we snuggle together on the couch. I am trying to imagine what CD's bubbly, social disposition will translate into as an older child. CD is my girly girl, already accesorizing with my bracelets, carrying purses, constantly pretending to talk on the phone and trying on other people's shoes. I predict that she will have a lot in common with my sister actually. Beautiful, smart, a social butterfly, fashionable and may have to have her phone taken away lest she flunk Physics.

I imagine going to the dance recitals of my little music lover who already dances as though she was born to. I wonder if CD will be the star athlete of the family. Maybe she will be kicking butt playing soccer on our town's league. I know that they make pink soccer cleats in just her size. It would be so cool to watch my sons cheer her on as she scores her first goal.

Ok. Break over for now. Best to get back to living for right now. For this weekend, CD will be joining us at my grandmother's 90th birthday party. My grandparents (nor aunts, uncles and cousins who will be in attendance as well) haven't met her yet. I can't wait to see their faces light up, as they most certainly will, when they meet this sweet, adorable child and she asks them for high 5s.

The case manager's adventures with CD's parents

I have to say, kudos to CD's case manager. She is more than deserving of a name on this blog, so I think I will call her Beth. Beth met with our family tonight and told us about her trips around the state as she attempted to track down CD's impossible to pin down parents.

First, because CD's alleged father has been MIA since his scheduled paternity test, Beth went to CD's father's parent's home (where he supposedly lives as well) looking for the father or the father's parents. The only person home was the father's uncle. The uncle did not say much, but did assure Beth that he would tell the father to call her ASAP. Beth has not heard from the father. This is not surprising as Beth has been trying to reach CD's father by phone for a very long time (hence the need for the car ride). Beth believes that the father does not want to be responsible for child support so he does not want to take a paternity test. In the meantime, the father's parents who once showed an interest in raising CD, have faded back into the woodwork.

Beth also took a trip a ways south to CD's mother's father's house and couldn't believe what she was met with when she got there. She arrived at the house to find CD's mother throwing furniture into a UHaul. CD's mother cheerfully greeted Beth and told her that they "have to get out of here" and are moving to a state about 350 miles away. CD's mother told Beth that "of course" she still wants CD and that she will call her on Tuesday (today) to discuss coming in from the far away state for visitation. Apparently CD's mother's aunt was there and raved about what a wonderful mother CD's mother is. CD's mother did not provide a forwarding address or phone number. She did, however, give Beth her current boyfriend's cell phone number. Beth said that CD's mother seemed disappointed that CD's father had not stepped up. Beth has not heard from CD's mother since her move.

Beth's supervisor instructed her to start making adoption plans for CD. She asked that we have our letter expressing our intent to adopt CD ready for her for the upcoming February court date. Beth believes that "its a wrap."

Z had difficulty following the details of the upcoming plans. He asked me to write them down for him because his teacher has been asking him about CD and he thinks he might want to read what I write to his classmates. I made a four column grid with four time periods: now, February 2011, July 2011 and Winter 2012. In each column I wrote how long CD will have been with us by then, how old she will be and where we will likely be in the process. In February our letter of intent will be submitted to the judge. In July, if things continue to the way they have been, CD's parents will lose their parental rights and if that happens on schedule, we could expect her adoption to be final about next winter.

Beth says it a wrap. I'll wait until the fat lady sings.

Watching as CD dances

Spending the weekend at the hotel for Z's birthday was really special. After having a fourth child, Z's friend, with us for the weekend, I even ended up joking about how maybe it is time for us to think about taking in another child. Maybe a boy around Z's age this time! If only we had the bedroom space. . .

Every night at the hotel, at 8pm, there is a program in the lobby. Kids come in their pajamas and listen to a story told by mechanical animals and a (creepy looking) boy who pops in and out of a tree stump. After the story, it "snows." It is really quite something. As it is that time of year again, the story was accompanied by all sorts of Christmas music. Looking around the room I saw lots of small children listening quietly while sitting on a parent's lap. Some kids were whining because they couldn't see or it was just too noisy or crowded.

Then there was CD. She was on her feet, dancing to the music and clapping her hands. You'd think it was the world's greatest show, she was just that enthusiastic. Watching her, my husband and I smiled to each other. CD was just so filled with joy. I imagine we were thinking very much the same thing. We watch as she dances and think about how she has no recollection of a harder life and is clueless to the fact that her life is currently in such a state of limbo. We think about what a treasure she is and how lucky we are to have had this beautiful little girl join our life and remind us to appreciate it all.

It's Gack's birthday

As holidays and birthdays approach, our family has become in the habit of, in advance, wondering if CD will be there to celebrate the upcoming one with us. As a special day gets closer, we get excited knowing that she will. A couple of months ago it was Z's (aka Gack's) ninth birthday that we were wondering about. This weekend, we are so thrilled that she will be with us for the big event.

This is going to be a special celebration for my Chanukah born birthday boy. For his ninth birthday, we decided to take the family and my son's good friend to spend two nights at a hotel with an indoor water park. CD, once terrified of the water, is now a big fan and I just can't wait to explore the toddler areas with her. She has the cutest little pink camouflage Crocs and thanks to my niece, a pink polka-dot bathing suit. It is going to be a really good time. Three times a day the hotel has it "snow indoors."

Today I realized just how many exciting dates we can now confidently look forward to sharing with CD. My grandmother's 90th birthday party, our 15th wedding anniversary, our mini December vacation with a great group of friends, and, assuming we can always count on 2 months at a time, her second birthday. I am really hoping for J's Bar Mitzvah in May. . .

After suicide

Today I received one of those calls you can never quite prepare yourself for. A student, one who was expelled last year from one of my work places, committed suicide. He was a young man consumed with pain. Like many teenage boys drowning in depression, "Joe" presented as angry, flew into rages, was violent and was eventually expelled for breaking through a counselor's door, sending shards of glass flying all over multiple students and the counselor.

The school principal told me that the student's ex-girlfriend was laughing and giggling in school this morning. She said, "so, I know he's dead." She is a young woman who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. She is not yet processing the information. I have no doubt that some students, (maybe staff as well), are thinking about times that they have been depressed, felt hopeless, considered or attempted suicide. Joe's suicide has put our already vulnerable students in potential crisis. While suicide may be a theoretical option for people struggling with the hopelessness associated with suicidal ideation, having someone near you commit suicide makes that option seem more real.

Joe was a star artist, truly, truly gifted. The school's exceptional art teacher and principal worked together toward aiding Joe in gaining acceptance to a very prestigious program for up and coming young artists. He was accepted into a summer art program which included a trip to Paris. He was offered a slot with a full scholarship. Unfortunately, Joe did not feel ready to participate, to be away from his neighborhood or his gang, the only place where he felt safe. He could not envision working toward his potential as a future artist and he therefore felt too paralyzed to leave his comfort zone and give himself a chance. His painful history held him back from the potential of his future.

Mourning the loss of Joe will be complicated for our students and staff. He was dangerous, sometimes a bully and had been violent with some students and some staff. At the same time, everyone at work, kids and staff alike, feel that we are all in some ways a team, we try our best to understand, to support, to help and to forgive each other. We already felt that we had failed to meet Joe's needs. That will only be felt tenfold as we all process his suicide.

I am already asking myself what else I could have done. I am sure that I am not the only one.

How to surrender parental rights

Apparently, in New Hampshire for example, all it takes is completing a two and a half page form. On that form the parent, his/her attorney, a notary and a judge need to sign and date their signatures. That's it.

CD's case manager is going to see if CD's mother is prepared to sign away her parental rights. CD's mother is residing with her father (meaning CD's paternal grandfather). Because CD's mother will not acknowledge CD's case manager's calls and letters, the case manager is now considering taking a trip to see CD's mother (in another county) and ask her directly if she wants to surrender her parental rights. As the case manager said, "if she doesn't want to be bothered, she should know she doesn't have to be bothered." I like that expression. Many of my African American colleagues use it a lot. "I can't be bothered. He can't be bothered." For me, it just hits the right descriptive note.

It's been going on 5 months since CD's mom saw her daughter or showed any interest in seeing her daughter and/or fighting for her in or out of court.

At the same time, CD's case manager is also planning on sending a certified letter to the man who was court ordered to take a paternity test. Apparently all attempts to reach the alleged father and alleged grandparents have been unsuccessful since the scheduled paternity test. I guess she needs a paper trail, proof that all reasonable attempts were made to notify the alleged father of his rights and obligations.

CD really had no one in the world who would step up for her? No one? I am trying to imagine how a parent explains this to her foster or adopted child. I am trying to imagine how I would do it, because one day she will know. She will not only know but no matter how much I love her, no matter how good she has it (and no matter how many years I went to psychologist school) there is no way to spin this so that it doesn't hurt her.

I do hope, that especially for CD's sake, that CD's mother steps up enough to do something. If she isn't going to fight for her daughter, then I hope that she can let her go. CD deserves to be someone's loved and very much wanted daughter (not to mention sister, niece, cousin, grandchild), not a ward of the state for the next two to three years.

For some fun Chanukah stuff, check out Da'as Hedyot's post link

Paying tribute to the big purple dinosaur

Barney, we don't know that much about CD's life before we were in it, but we do know that she had you. We realized very early on that she was humming your famous (or infamous, if you ask my friend Alia) song:

I love you
You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug
And a kiss from me to you
Won't you say you love me too

Barney, you are the reason we know that CD was loved before she came to us. She knew your song and knew how to give those hugs and kisses before we even had a chance to introduce you. When she first joined our family we sang your song to soothe her when she was upset and to help her fall asleep at night.

The other day I bought a doll version of you, one that sings your song when CD hugs you (or one of us throws you hard enough on the floor). I cried at Toys R Us when we bought you. You now carry special meaning to my family and me. While I was not your biggest fan in the past, your song makes CD smile, and for that reason, you have grown on me. You should see my older son's impression of you! Imitation is the best form of flattery, you know.

Even as CD gets older and inevitably grow into shows like Hannah Montana and ICarly, I promise you, I will never forget you.

Our second Chanukah as a foster family

As my children reminded me, this is our one year anniversary since two sisters and their little brother came to stay with us over Chanukah. It was their last week before being reunited with their mother after about a year in foster care. They were fascinated by what they understood to be our version of Christmas. I could have never imagined where we would be just one year later.

Unfortunately, so far, CD has been sick for her first Chanukah with us. She has been home all week, feverish and just overall feeling miserable. Her fever has begun to subside since I took her back to the doctor on Wednesday, when she was prescribed antibiotics for a possible sinus infection. Being a working mother, one who works at a hourly rate, has made this week especially difficult. As anyone can tell you, taking care of a sick toddler is a really hard job. Having to lose an entire week of income and feeling so unreliable to my patients (again) has not made it any easier.

CD made out quite well with Chanukah presents so far. Our friends gave us their mint condition indoor/outdoor climbing/slide thing that is perfect for our active toddler for the months that are too cold to make it to the park (I often wonder why we aren't living someplace smarter, like California). She also got a life like puppy and has a ladybug tunnel/tent thing, Sesame Street DVDs for car rides and a pretend cleaning set (she is really into mopping and sweeping) on the way. So far she seems to enjoy the candles and the candy. She likes to point to the lit candles and remind us that they are "hot."

I made her a little present too. CD is obsessed with looking at photographs around the house to find "Gack's" face. Apparently just about any boy, including my older son, looks like "Gack." So I made her, what my son calls, a portable "Gack." It is a taped sealed frame with a picture of the actual "Gack" on one side, and a picture of my older son, J, on the other. She stills refers to the boys on each side as "Gack," but my older son doesn't seem to be taking it too badly.

To all who are celebrating, Happy Chanukah.

A journey toward peace

To my blogger friend, LT, of I was a foster kid, I am so proud of you for making the decision to take care of yourself. For those who have not yet discovered LT's blog, I highly recommend it. She is the young adult voice of the once foster children, working to overcome a very difficult childhood and to argue for fostercare reform. She is a stunningly smart and resilient woman. In LT's words, she decided to "take a chance at life" when she chose to voluntarily admit herself to a hospital for inpatient psychiatric care. She is out now and writing about her experience.

LT, I hope your journey leads you to the peace you so deserve.