CD, like most two years olds, gets scared in unfamiliar settings with unfamiliar people. Last week's visit with her mother, after being transported by her case manager, was therefore understandably quite rough on her. This week I decided to transport her to the visit myself in hopes of making this a little easier on CD.
I wanted to spare CD the terror of being taken from daycare by a virtual stranger for a visit with another virtual stranger. I knew that leaving her at the System office would leave her crying but I was trying to find some way to minimize how difficult the visit would be on her.
I left work at 2:30 to get to her daycare at 3:00. The visit was scheduled for 3:30. With traffic and a GPS issue, I arrived 20 minutes late. I hate being late. I do not like to keep people waiting and I certainly don't like to keep CD in a car any longer than necessary. By 3:50, CD had already started to get upset about being in the car for so long. Expecting to meet the case worker in the lobby, I entered the building just for CD's mother to spot CD from a waiting room right near by. She reached out her arms for CD and as expected, CD held on tighter to me and said, "Mommy" as she does to tell someone that she wants to stay with me, not go to them. Her mother said, "that's right, I am Mommy." It was so weird but of course, made perfect sense from her point of view even if CD couldn't understand it. When I saw the case manager, I handed CD over to her mother, said goodbye and quickly made myself scarce as I am not allowed to be there. I left CD screaming for me. It was heartbreaking.
I rushed to pick up Z at school and while on the carpool line I called the case manager to make sure that CD had calmed down. The case manager said that unlike last week, this week CD just "wasn't having it." She spent the time calling for me, sitting sullenly, uninterested in the toys and despite her mother's attempts to engage her, it just didn't work. Her mother asked the case manager if CD "is always like this." The case manager assured her that normally CD is a happy, playful and engaging child. They visited for over an hour but nothing really changed.
The case manager drove CD home and told me that she could tell that CD is really smart because as she got closer to my house CD started to call excitedly for me. She recognized that she was close to home. I opened the van door and CD took a couple of big sighs, she seemed so relieved to be home. Like last week, she needed a lot of time to run around and play before she was ready to go to sleep. She did very well once she was home though. She was not clingy or angry like she was last week, just happy to be home.
In talking with the case manager I learned that the System has already formally recommended termination of parental rights (TPR) and that CD be adopted by us. CD's law guardian believes that "this child needs to stay where she is." What we can expect though is that if CD's mother continues to visit and attend her required programs and appointments, her attorney will argue to extend the time that she is given before moving toward TPR. I expect that the judge will comply with a such a request. TPRs are serious and final. So, we wait and see.
I asked that the case manager take some pictures of CD with her mom on her phone so that CD could have those pictures to both get used to her mother's face and/or to have later on if she is ultimately adopted.
6 comments:
poor CD to her the 'mother' is a stranger an you are her mommy. she's probably utterly confused by being around this woman and you not being there with her. To CD her attempts to engage probably feel like pushing her, so of course her not knowing her, she wont attach.
Especially without you being there making her "mother" an 'o.k.' person.
It sounds like she is perfectly well ajusted and happy with you, life would probably be best for her if you were able to adopt her ultamately.
best of luck.
It is thoughtful of you to ask for pictures. Do you think there is any change that CD's mother realised that CD was refering to you as Mom? Do you think there is any chance CD's Mom will realise that CD needs to stay where she is - that it is best for the child? Do you think she will give CD up, because she loves her and ultimately want what is best for CD?
Anon, I don't think that the mother will proactively sign away her rights. I think she may try her best to get her back or more passively sabotage herself. I think we are in for a complicated journey and the end of this story is still unknown.
I suggested to the case manager that two year olds are incapable of bonding with this structure. Visits would need to be far more often for that to happen if that is truly the goal. The bond was broken because way too much time elapsed in which the mother was absent. The current situation is a no win for everyone involved.
I'm certainly no expert, but I definitely agree that the current situation is a no win for everyone. I hoped your taking her to the visitation would have helped, and perhaps it did help CD, but it certainly sounds like it was harder for there to be any bond between CD's birthmother and CD.
What a difficult situation.
Kathy
Sigh.
Is it wrong that I hope that CD's mother gets frustrated by these types of visits with her child and ultimately decides to give up or just passively let opportunities pass her by? It's completely her fault, but I can't help but feel bad for a woman whose own child doesn't recognize her as "mommy."
I don't understand the system at all. The woman finally takes an interest and now they're ready to recommend termination of rights? I don't get it. Also, if you want the woman to bond with her daughter, this sterile type of meeting which is far too infrequent is no way to do it. I just don't get what the goal of the system is. This is pointless and painful for all involved (you, CD, and CD's mother). A child this young who has been away from her biological mother for this long and has so thoroughly bonded with her foster parents cannot possible reattach to her biological mother in this fashion. So what's the point? It just further drags out a process that doesn't seem to have any concrete goal in mind. If it's reunification, this is not the way to do it. If it's best interests of the child, this is not the way to do it. This is just muddled and confused and painful.
JS,
The System already recommended termination, I just didn't know that it had been officially submitted to the court already. Until the judge rules, the mother has rights. Visits start as supervised ones once a week and increase in frequency and length as things progress until they are unsupervised, then overnights, then reunification. If her mother had engaged in the process, that is what would have happened many, many months ago. These visits are happening because the judge has not cut them off and the case manager is complying with the law, not because the System workers want this going on, they are ready for adoption. The judge has not terminated any right and unless he does, this is what happens. The mother returned just under the deadline prior to the judge's legal ability to rule on permanency.
At this point, I think of CD's mother as her birth mother whom she was with until she was 17 months old. CD recognizes her current mother as "Mommy," the woman who has been her mother for over ten months. That would be me. If CD returns to her birth mother, of course she would once again see her birth mother as "Mommy."
I don't feel sorry for a grown woman who is no longer called "Mommy" by CD when she walked away for close to 10 months and left her in the care of the foster care system because, as she said to the judge, she had a "rough year." I feel bad for CD that she has to be confused as she is calling for me during visitation and her birth mother is correcting her and saying that she is "Mommy." I refer to her birth mother as Mommy R. to differentiate for her and asked that the case manager assure her that she will come home to Mommy T.O. when she gets scared because this is what's right for CD even if it hurts her mother's feelings.
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