CD's first visit with her mother

CD visited with her mother yesterday. While she left the daycare kicking and screaming with her case manager, she eventually warmed up to her and to her mother.

As a psychologist, I had some ideas of what to expect from CD's mother. I believe I wrote about some of these ideas in earlier posts. When CD came to us, she attached to me right away. She hummed the Barney song and knew how to blow kisses. I knew that she attached to me because she had been attached to her mother. Children without those kinds of attachments can't do what CD had done. I also knew that CD had been shown a lot of attention and affection or she would not have been the child I met 10 months ago.

It was therefore not surprising that during the visit, CD's mother sang to her, showed her affection and brought her appropriate gifts.

CD's mother's difficulties are not in her ability to bond and nurture. If I could write her psychological evaluation based on educated speculation and information I have been able to glean over the past ten months the conclusions would be something like this:

CD's mother has strong dependency needs that she plays out by investing all of her energies into the men in her life. Without a man to fill her sense of emptiness, she experiences feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. When the relationship with CD's brother's father fell apart, so did she and after the system became involved, she ultimately left the child that they had together behind with him. CD's mother then went on to get pregnant with CD with another man (the one who won't take the paternity test and already doesn't care for his other children) but marry yet another whose last name CD bares despite their not having a blood relationship. This man, an abusive one, is incarcerated and will be for many years to come. CD's mother now has a new boyfriend, one with whom she was willing to move out of state and leave her daughter behind. However, because of the influence of her boyfriend's sister, she came to court all these months later. This court date would have been the very last before the Permanency Hearing in which the System's goal would have become termination of parental rights.

When CD's mother falls apart, she is unable to care for herself or CD. She turns to drugs, finds herself homeless and neglects the basic needs of her child. Because of her nature, her relationships are volatile and she does not have family or friends to fall back on during rough times. She lacks coping skills. She likely went through a rough childhood of her own, likely an abusive one and is so looking for love, and so desperate for it, she has allowed herself to get both physically and emotionally abused and has put her child in harms way. She has also sacrificed the care of her children and her relationships with them in an attempt to maintain relationships with her men.

If CD's mother is motivated, she can work on all of these issues. However, her behavior patterns will not been undone in 6 months of therapy, it would be a long term process. There is no magic wand that can be used to undo a lifetime of dysfunction.

CD explained to the judge that she hadn't visited with CD because she had a" rough year." The judge was unimpressed. It reminds me of what my husband asked when CD's mother came to court, "did her mother just want a year of free babysitting?"

What CD's mother did by disappearing from her daughter's life, is not the norm for parents whose children have been removed. I have evaluated many of them in my role as a psychologist. Our first three foster children were prime examples of what is more typical of those who have successful reunifications.. Their mother had a serious alcohol problem and had endangered the life of one of her children. She worked her butt off to fight her addiction and won, all the while maintaining as much connection with her children as she could during her time in rehab. Nine months later she had maintained her relationships with her children and they transitioned back to their mother well. Their mother had a" rough year" too.

I don't know what the judge will need to see in order to give CD's mother more time to put her life together. Assuming CD's mother maintains her current level of motivation, will the judge believe that returning CD to her mother is too much of a risk? What if her current relationship ends and CD's mother falls apart again? Where will that leave CD? Will he take the risk that CD could once again end up in the horrific environment from which she was removed last July?

When I am asked to write evaluations for the court, I am often asked what kind of help the bio parent would need in order to get to where s/he needs to be in order to be a good enough parent. I am also asked if it could be done in the time frame used by the court. In CD's mothers case, the services she needs are available, however, she may be too late given the time frame in which the court works.

Oh, and yes, this is what we in the psychology world call "intellectualizing." I am just not ready to write about the rest. It's complicated.