Last week, CD's mother missed her visit. However, this week she made arrangements to come see CD and explained to the case manager that she missed her visit because of a welfare appointment. She wanted to have a two hour visit instead of one hour to make up for the hour that she had lost the previous week. The case manager would not allow it. She explained that if she misses a visit, it is a visit missed.
This week's visit, after an initial painful separation from me, went well. Now having a picture of CD's mother and toys to pointed to as from "Mommy R," CD is starting to remember that this lady is someone she has played with before. In fact, my understanding is that CD's mother is quite good at engaging CD so this visit went better than the previous ones. While CD reached for me as soon as she saw me and told Mommy R, "this (me) is my Mommy," she wasn't frantic or even anxious. CD does this all the time now, announcing to everyone in her surroundings, "this is my Mommy" as though she is concerned that people don't know (or they will take her from me).
Once again, I engaged CD's mother in lighthearted conversation. I told her that the ear surgery went well and how we now have to use ear plugs when CD bathes. CD joined in and showed Mommy R her ears and said, "ear drops." Mommy R left after telling CD that she loved her and to be good for "Mommy." I was impressed.
After CD's mother left, I had a chance to speak briefly to the case manager. She explained that earlier in the day there had been a meeting in which CD's mother asked why I was "Mommy" and I am calling her "Mommy R" and not explaining that she is CD's "Mommy."
I was happy to hear that the case manager's supervisor gave CD's mother a whole lecture about how I have been the woman that she identifies as her mother for almost a year now. She also said that she has no idea how lucky she is that CD landed in my home. She told her that I really know what I am doing. And I do. When I say "Mommy R" it is because I know she can not understand the concept of bio mom or having two moms or Mommy R being her "real" mom (whatever that means). When I made that decision it was very purposeful. If CD and R will be reunited, she is already "Mommy R." Mommy R would eventually turn into just "Mommy" once CD experiences the role change. And if she stays with us, this lady whose significance she does not have an ability to understand has a "Mommy" title and she can always and forever be "Mommy R," her birth mother and first mother.
I feel like I have two separate parts of my brain managing this ongoing process. There is the part of me that loves CD, wants to adopt her and knows I will be beyond devastated to lose her. That is the part of me that gets teary over pictures, hugs, and having had to take her for a visit this week while she screams, "it's my mommy" to the case manager because she doesn't want to let go of me. This is the part of me that worries that my heart will break and never quite be the same if CD is no longer in my life.
Then there is the other part of me that knows that I have no control over what will ultimately happen. This is the part that takes over and wants to fully, 100% support CD by helping her to feel good about R, develop a relationship with R and help her with any transition using every parenting and psychologist trick that I have.
As I suspected, R had been a victim and a part of the System herself as a child. I feel for her and hope she sticks with the positive influences and treatment she currently has in her life. After all, it is people like CD's mother that I try to help for a living, those who have been dealt a rough hand from day one and struggle as adults to find themselves and stand on their own.
15 comments:
TO, you're such an amazing inspiration. Stay strong!
It actually seems like you really want what's best for CD even if it means losing her.
I dont believe that losing her is what is best for her. Her mother has no home, no job, no history of working, a violent man's name tattooed on her neck and no history of stability. She has never been ok. She will need a lot in order to be ok at some point in the future.
But if it happens, I will be there for CD 100% to help her through the process. I will never understand how anyone could believe that it would be best for her. The blood things sways me not at all. Taking CD from the only family that she has known (and the only place where she has been safe and care for )for the last year where she has been thriving? If you found out that your child had been switched at birth, would you now think it is best for her to go to her bio mom after you'd been parenting her for a year and you found out that the bio mom has CD's mother's history just because she is now in therapy and will have welfare funds? Would you say, "this is the right thing?" and let her go with a clear conscious??
I wouldn't. But its not up to me. But please do not misread me. I believe it is way too late and her mother is way too early on in her growth process for reunification to be a good idea. CD should not have to wait another year which is, minimum, what I believe it would take. Two years is too long for CD to believe that we are her family just to go through the trauma of change of that magnitude and feelings of abandonment. There is a reason there is a 15 month in foster care limit before kids are supposed to be free for adoption. And we are in month 12.
I agree that CD should not be returned to Mommy R. For many reasons... Most recently, skipping a visit with no notice. Mommy R is an adult. If she had an appointment, she should have informed everyone. (Ahead of time, not after the fact.). She could have made alternate arrangements at that time.
I am glad that Mommy R loves CD, and wants to make an effort- but she needs to recognize that she can not provide for CD.
I am glad the Case Worker had a little talk with her. It doesn't surprise me either that Mommy R has had, uh, exposure to the system herself... I think a lot of issues in life and cycled from parents to children - just another reason CD would be so much better off in your home.
I wish that some of your comments could be submitted to the judge...
And I hope Mommy R realises that loosing child after child hurts her, and the child... And maybe she should use some birth control.
Just a thought.
I think the reality is, being a victim of emotional/physical/sexual abuse and or neglect and then leading a life in which one turns to the streets, drugs and abusive men screams emotional stunting. She has not gotten help before. We can't expect her to act 30 something. Emotionally, she isn't. It is not her fault and I am glad she is getting treatment.
There are teens better equipped to parent than she is. I say that as a matter of fact. It just is. Is it sad for her? Of course. I actually find myself liking her and I would probably like being her psychologist actually. But I am not, I am CD's foster mother and potential forever mother. She is my priority and I want what's best for her.
I dont believe that losing her is what is best for her.
The courts usually say that the general principle they operate under is that they choose what's in the best interest of the child. But I'm not so sure that is really true. In divorce custody cases, they automatically assume that the party with female genitalia is the better parent and almost always award custody to that person. And similarly with termination of parental rights, in which case the woman who gave birth to the child is automatically assumed to be the best choice, even when it is clearly not the case.
Well, I am a trained custody evaluator. I wrote these 20 page reports for the court after countless interviews, observations and collateral information. In the one particular county where I worked, it was well done. However, in most cases the primary caregiver is the mom so if she is a good one, primary custody is usually given to her. I have written scathing reviews of a couple of moms though and recommended custody to the father.
I have no idea what will happen to CD. In this case, her mother has legal rights. It is not a competition between her and us. She needs to prove that she is "good enough."
wow! I am very impressed with the way you handle the situation.
In my experience with foster care -- I've been a licensed foster parent for 5 years now. At least in my state (WA), the best interest of the child is not the foremost in the court's decision making process. What is most important is bio family. My state definitely prioritizes bio family over best interests of child. 15 months before an adoption can happen is a tremendously long time in a child's young life. I hope that is all CD has to go through. My now adopted son languished in foster care for 5 1/2 years before adoption and his story is all too common.
It's tough reading these posts. You do too good a job of putting the reader in your shoes. If I feel like I'm on a roller coaster after reading these posts, I can't imagine what you're going through. I feel so sad for R and what she's been through in her life, but at the same time I have no sympathy for what she's put and is putting CD through. Months with no contact, a series of visits, and then missing one with no warning? I understand she's got problems which cause this kind of behavior, but when there's a child involved the sympathy gets shut off. I'm just glad CD doesn't understand what's going on and has no real memories of her "Mommy R" - she's just a person she's seen a few times, no pain when she doesn't show up, no missing her, or feeling abandoned.
Very glad that R got a whole lecture from the supervisor. Where does she get off wondering why she's not referred to as Mommy? How selfish. She abandons CD and expects CD to just sit around waiting for her? Everyone should keep CD at arm's length and prevent her from bonding with people that care for her? You should just be "Ma'am" or "Mrs." and not Mommy? Every girl should have a Mommy but CD until R gets her act together? Insanity.
Sprout, well, its 15 months before they can start TPR. It will be approximately another year before any adoption could go through. Our state no longer allows children to live in limbo for years and years and its serious. 15/22 months in foster care, TPR is started (more or less).
Please continue posting, its fascinating for a former foster youth to see it from the other side and to see such demonstrated care.
You are doing a great job in allowing Mommy R to retain her title just in case she manages to earn such a title back. Thank you so much.
this is my second attempt at responding to this. the first one i deleted. you know i think highly of you, but i gotta say, you let me down on this one, with the last part...
maybe you put too much of your "therapist hat" on for this one, but...
there is NO excuse for child abuse, child abandonment, neglect, or other harm to children.
being abused, raised in the system, etc. as a child is not excuse to perpetuate the cycle.
it is a CHOICE to harm a child, irregardless of what one is taught or pathology. you can say "that is what happened to me and what i know and that is what i am going to do"
OR
you can say "that is what happened to me and what i know, but it hurt me like hell and i will NEVER do that."
are people perfect? hell no! but when an adult chooses to harm a child in any way, there is NO excuse that is acceptable.
you know better than me, but from my *limited* experience being around alot of abused kids and then street young people, the majority make that choice NOT to hurt, because they know the ramifications and feel it everyday of there life... they dont want to cause that pain if they should be lucky enough to have a child. i have see the majority make that choice and talk about it (even among some people who experieicned horrific abuse)...
...and those that choose to harm, dont deserve excuses for their behaviors.
(i used harm as abuse, abandonment, neglect, etc.. any harm to a child)
i know your a therapist and are trained or have an ability to look at the whole story, but for me the book closes when an adult makes that choice to harm a child.
peace.
Choose,
I agree that there is no excuse. Regardless of her background, what R has done is just as inexcusable as it would be if she had an easy life. But, I am trying to understand her. I don't believe that all that many people in the world are actually evil (some are including some you have known) and I don't believe R is evil. However, I also believe she should not get back her child. I feel for her as a person who is struggling, not trying to excuse her behavior. I am truly sorry you feel let down. I guess I am biased here. She is Cd's mother. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that if she could have done better, she would have.
i know in a way you were not excusing R's behavior. and having a therapist hat, it makes you think more about "why" people do things.
i worry when i see people "trying to understand" or saying "ah, they had x, y or z, so that explains what they did" .... that it leads others to justifying behaviors or stereotyping populations. others that do not understand as much or have as much experience with certain populations...
you know, for example, the common misperception that most abused, wind up abusing. alot of people think that.
maybe i have given up trying to understand anything because there are really no good answers about why people do horrible things.
i guess we differ on the belief about evil people in the world, because i think there are many. i agree that R is not evil, just based on what i have read here, but she is selfish. if there was more to the story which we cant read, i might feel differently.
i try to believe that i am a compassionate person, but when it comes to people that hurt kids (and animals) i guess i am not, because even just typing that phrase, i can feel disgust.
so much for my family court judge future career... i would send everyone to jail.
TO.. peace.
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