CD's mom has been compliant for a month now with visitation, going to parenting classes, domestic violence classes and participating in individual psychotherapy. She came to today's court date, greeted me with a smile and offered me the pictures of herself that I had requested to help CD learn who she is between visits and to try to make the visitations go smoother than they have been. In court I spoke kindly of CD's mother, noting that CD has been coming home from the visits with lovely gifts. I noticed CD's mother smile when I said that. On my way out, she shook my hand and I told that I would see her later when I brought CD for her visit.
All very surreal, but somehow, ok.
My gut tells me that CD's mother, with all the support she is now getting and the services that are now in place, may very well earn back custody of her daughter in another six months or so. I know that the System will be pushing for termination of her rights at next month's Permanency Hearing, but I am imagining the judge offering the mother extended time to prove herself. Some people in my life are telling me that I am psychologically protecting myself by preparing to lose CD. Honestly, I think I am being realistic at the same time as I am preparing myself.
CD visited with her mother this past Thursday just before my family joined another 6 families for an annual trip to our favorite family campgrounds. While CD was at her visit, we finished packing up the car and drove it full and with the whole family to pick up CD from the System office. When I went in to get CD, she saw J and myself through a window of a door and started screaming for us. Her mother seemed to get it, she smiled at me and handed CD over. When CD looked at her mother and then pointed to me and said "Mommy" in other words, "this is my Mommy" (as she often does), her mother seemed to accept it for what it was. After coming to me, CD immediately calmed down and showed me her new necklace. I commented on how nice it was that Mommy R gave her such a nice necklace. Somehow what could have been awkward went pretty smoothly.
My boys had followed me in to see if they could catch a glimpse of CD's mother. CD's mother wished us all a good trip and the boys seemed relieved to see for themselves that this mystery person is just a person. As my son said, "she didn't seem scary." It was really good for them to see that.
Last night I had a really good talk with my boys. We discussed the recent turn in events and the possibility that CD's mother will continue on a good path and ultimately regain custody of CD. We talked about supporting CD through whatever happens. I wondered if they would want to be foster brothers again if we were to lose CD. I reminded them that ultimately, their feelings would come first as I know that we will all hurt a lot if we had to grieve over losing CD. The children (as well as my husband) have no mixed feelings. They would do it again. My thirteen year old son even made a point of saying that over time we would only getting better at coping after loving and losing a child whom we love.
My boys blow me away. As my husband said, they really get this foster care thing, probably better than we do.
5 comments:
Wow, it sounds like CD's mother is really working at this and I can imagine anyone who would be in the decision making position being reluctant to terminate rights under the current scenario. I would think it would make things more difficult for your family, but not necessarily wrong. What I would hate see is a lot of work toward reunification only to have it fall apart.
Glad your family is able to "get this foster care thing".
Good luck in the weeks ahead,
Kathy
My father and aunt were in "foster care" many years ago.
My grandparents were immigrants with no close family and my grandmother came down with pneumonia with two 1 and half years olds. This was during the depression. My grandfather kept his job, and sent the kids away with strangers, who, as it turned out, were quite kind. My grandfather came once, and apparently the story was the kids cried and carried on so he couldn't bring himself to go back, until he knew he could take them with him for real.
And, many weeks later, he did.
Not to be cold, but the mom is thinking she's ready to take her back...
Wow, I don't know how you do it, TO! My hat's off to you and your entire family.
You're an icon for me, handling the toughest of foster care adventures with maturity, grace and wisdom.
What a roller coaster. I'm really torn. On the one hand I think it would be wonderful if CD's mom really got her act together and could be a caring and nurturing mom for CD. On the other hand, I think you guys are great with CD and shw would really flourish. In the end, I hope CD gets to stay with you since I'm not at all convinced that CD's mom is not going to backslide. I think she has real issues to work out before I would be convinced. It seems a delay is in the cards to see if CD's mom is for real.
Your kids are so mature. We could all learn a lot from them.
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