Every now and then, I get comments that I choose not to post. Mostly they are the ramblings of people who believe that the "real parent" is by definition the biological one and the state is by definition "kidnapping" the children when they are removed from their care. They seem to believe that children are some kind of property and the rightful owner has full rights to their possessions whether they care for them or not. In fact, some believe that adoption is akin to slavery, once again, a continuation of the children are property way of thinking. Anyway, one such commenter, tongue in cheek, said that this blog could be useful for the court.
If only.
I find myself having conversations in my head with the judge as I try to fall asleep at night. I tell him about all of my thoughts regarding this "case," not all that differently than I do on this blog. In my day dreams I get to talk to him as a psychologist and I have a chance to offer my insight, clinical theory and research. In my day dreams I get to be counted as the "expert" that as I am in other court cases when my professional opinion is sought out.
We are now officially exactly one month away from the Permanency Hearing (for an example of one state's permanency hearing information, click here). This month is "do or die" for CD's mother. Even if the System recommends that the court terminates CD's mother's rights, the judge would likely grant an extension if she has another good month.
CD's mother was supposed to visit with CD today. When I called the case manager to confirm, she told me that she had not heard from CD's mother and that I should assume that there would not be a visit. CD's mother is required to confirm since she has a history of saying she is coming, us bringing CD and her not showing up. I thought that maybe CD's mother would just assume that the visit this week would be at the same time as last week so I told the case manager that I was available by cell and I could bring CD in if something changed.
CD's mother did not call and she did not come. It may mean nothing, she may call tomorrow and still ask for a visit later this week but every little thing really counts now.
It is going to be one crazy month.
11 comments:
Sure will
TO,
My belief about the people who think that the system "steals" children is that they lost custody of their own children, and rather than own up to their lack of ability to provide for/parent their children, they blame the system. Most people I have met like this are -well - for lack of a better word "mentally unstable" in some capacity. They are unable to think about the best interests of the child, and are selfishly only thinking about what THEY want. They believe that it is their right to have children (who then turn out to be 'problem children' in a lot of cases). So sad. They don't consider that some parents have a documented history of neglect/abuse, they don't look at the way that cycles are repeated from parent to child...
These people would also attack any blog that does not support their views.
I am not surprised CD's Mom missed the visit. I kinda hope she has intermittant attendance in the next month... Enough to convince herself that she 'tried', and enough to convince the judge that permancy is a NOW thing.
I think you have been MORE than balanced in your views, and MORE than fair in the way that you have handled CD and her Mom. I would not have been able to act in the same manner (which is why I don't foster). It must be difficult.
CD was very lucky to have you as a foster Mom, but I hope it goes the distance and you will also be her forever Mom (and Dad, and brothers.).
I found this (Written by you, TO) in the comments of "Do you think blood is thicker than water". It is really well-phrased:
If you know how much it takes for the System to remove a child, you could probably imagine that the bio parents involved often have difficulties with interpersonal relationships and therefore have no social support.
It is very, very difficult to remove a child from a home - there has to be an abundance of proof. There has to be additional (documented) proof to keep a child in care.
It just shows how delusional some people are that they think Biology = ownership.
It makes absolutely zero difference if a child is biologically related to their abuser - the child is still being abused and that is a crime!!!
People who neglect, mistreat, or abuse a child in their care deserve to have the child taken away from them.
Your writing has allowed us a window of insight as to what has been going on. In my opinion, it seems that CD's mother loves her daughter yet is unable to take responsibility and I believe she is ready to let go. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like CD's mom actually wants the State to keep CD in your care but she feels unable to actually say it and give up her rights.... she prefers the judge to do it. Either way, I pray that CD becomes your legal daughter. She deserves the best!
I have a similar "blog bully" that post comments I rarely accept, telling me that I'm part of a horrific system which kidnaps children and keeps them "drugged up" in foster homes - all for the money. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who finds these accusations ludicrous. When I first started blogging about foster care, these comments did get me wondering…but now I know that it takes A LOT to get a child removed from the home and that (at least in my area) the courts will try just about anything to avoid TPR. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It’s eye opening and encouraging for us “beginners”.
I am hoping that this is an indication that CD's mother will not/cannot meet the requirements to prevent the TPR. Perhaps this is her way of "sabotaging" her efforts.
Whatever the case, I wish you peace in the remaining month. I'm pretty certain I couldn't do this.
Kathy
Jeez Louise, I'd offer you a drink but I know you don't drink!! (I'll drink yours for you, okay?)
I can offer playdates and support, though! See you soon...
I hope the judge views this as evidence that, despite her best efforts, CD's bio mom is just not able to be a proper mother to her. Whatever psychological and/or personal issues she has make her unreliable and an unfit parent. So little is asked of her and she can't rise to the task. I tend to think she's not trying to self-sabotage or wants someone else to make the decision for her - I think she's just got a lot of issues which prevent her from putting CD first.
Regardless, I hope the judge can see this and not grant her an extension.
TO... when was the mom's "man" set free? this weekend? LOL in a dark humor sense.
you know, i used to get comments from similar people that told me that my parents loved me and the *evil system* took me away. they never read my blog. they just looked at the fact that i was "in foster care." if my parents loved me, i want to know what hate is.
the system is not perfect, we both know that. but there are true situations where parents are horrible and do not take responsibility for the choices they made to have children.
Abuse, neglect... DOES EXIST.
this is the case here with CD.
CRAP. if the mom cared she would be there NO MATTER WHAT. CD is a little kid and her mother went 9 months without seeing her? and misses visits? is that love? is that caring?
whatever.
permanency hearings suck. i hated going to them. luckily CD wont have to go when she gets older because she will have a family. :)
oh yeah...some really wise future judge commenter awhile ago said something about "one strike" and that's it. missing a visit is a HUGE strike.
LT, She has since gotten a new man. It is hard to keep up.
Missing a visit right now is huge and 27 hours later, still no contact with the case manager. I certainly hope that CD never has to go through what you have gone through and hope she only knows she was in foster care because it is part of her life story, not a trauma that she carries with her.
Yeah, that future judge should think about actually doing it. . .may need some more school but I know she is capable of anything she sets her mind to and she'd be awesome ;)
I can tell you it takes a lot, a VERY lot, for the system to remove children from their parent's homes.
I have never been either Foster Parent or Child. But I did call social services on my own sister and brother-in-law for abuse and neglect. It was an agnonizing choice that I did not make lightly.
I have read where some people think the money spent on foster care should instead be spent on helping the bio-parents 'get it together' so they can parent their children.
HA! My family offered up thousands and thousands of dollars in help and services directly to my sister and b-i-l. Everything you can think of from twice weekly cleaning help (I picked up 2 skin infections from their house), to school tuition and summer camps for the children. Individual and marital counseling? No problem. We would have written the checks.
There was not a single need they had that we were not readily available to fund, no matter what. No judgements involved. Anyone's life can go off the rails and we loved them and wanted to help get them back on track. We are fortunate enough to be able to step in in this way.
We were rebuffed at every turn. Appointments they made were not kept. Paperwork for the childrens school was not turned in. They were thinking of 'homeschooling' now. HA! They couldn't even get it together enough to bathe the children! They would simply go unbathed between visits to us.
I could go on for pages, believe me. We finally called social services. They cut-off all contact with us which was not a surprise.
Now Social Services is supposedly 'working with them'. (It's been a year or so.) As of the news leaked to us last week, they have a non-verbal 3.5 year old and a totally unsocialised and aggressive nearly 5 year old who has never been to preschool of any sort! School readiness? Not a concern, apparently.
There are no chemical addiction issues at all for the parents and neither of them are of sub-par intelligence. They both have depression issues which we feel plays a significant role in their situation. However, they are not debilitated by it. From the outside, they look like typical parents.
Sorry this was so long but throwing money at the situation is NOT the answer! People like my sister and bil think everyone else has issues but they are just fine, thank you very much!
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