CD has been a part of our family for 363 days today. Tomorrow the judge will determine whether the State's goal should continue to be reunification with her birth mother or if the goal should be officially changed to adoption by us.
CD's mother missed last week's visit as well as the visit the week before that. I was sure that she would come for her yesterday's Monday visit. She confirmed last week and it would have been the last visit before this somewhat monumental court hearing. She didn't come. Perhaps her saying goodbye to CD with, "be good for Mommy" really was goodbye afterall. I don't know.
Z will be coming to court with us this week. He is between summer programs and home at Camp Mommy. Since my husband and I are only allowed to go into the court room to make a statement, we are allowing it. I have requested that J's sleep away camp allow an otherwise not permitted phone call for tomorrow as J really wants to talk to us after the hearing.
I know that this hearing will not make anything over or resolved but if the goal is turned over to adoption, it will be quite a day for us. I am curious as to whether CD's birth mother will be at the hearing. I wonder what she wants at this point or if she even knows what she wants.
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So what does it mean practically that the "goal" has changed to adoption? With "Mommy R" out of the picture for nearly a year what exactly was the goal beforehand? It just seems a bit farcical to me to say the goal is now adoption when that's what it has been by default for all this time anyways. Does this mean no more visits with "Mommy R" even if she wants them? I don't get what more needs to be seen or done to prove that you should just adopt her already.
I find this whole process so unbearably long and drawn out for no reason. It's just delaying the inevitable.
I just don't understand what is gained by all of these hearings and decisions and drawing things out month after month after month. I mean isn't it obvious from the get go whether a biological parent wants to keep their child or not? Is anyone even remotely surprised by how things have turned out here? The system apparently knew from day 1 given past experience with her that this is what would happen and yet everyone bends over backwards practically trying to force her into being a mother when she has no interest in it.
Well said JS!!!
I stopped by today to wish you and your family well tomorrow. I really, really hope there are no more 'hold ups'.
Maybe her "Be good for Mommy" was the good bye. Sad.
In cases like this I strongly feel that the Case Worker should be able to be honest and frank with Mom - tell her that she has VERY little hope of getting the child back, and then ask if she if wants to agree to the adoption (which could speed things up), but make arrangements for 'updates' or even periodic visits (like 2 or 4 times a year or something).
It gives the Mom the ability to step up and agree that adoption is the best option, instead of the system just 'forcing' a decision on her.
I know most Mom's may not have the capacity of 'agreeing' to adoption - but they should at least have the opportunity - even if it means have a lawyer present that that listen to both sides, and make sure that no one is being 'forced' into a decison.
I know this idea is a little utopian...
GOOD LUCK tomorrow. All the best to you.
Anon,
The mom has that ability and option. She can sign away her parental rights.
As for a semi open adoption, my State does not do those. They do not oversee updates, mail or visits like most adoption agencies do. It would require an agency as there is no way, knowing what I know, that I would want R to know my last name, location etc.
Remember, she is not asking for any of what you are imagining she would even want if CD were to be adopted by us. She skipped 90% of her visits. She could have had her child to raise if she wanted her.
As for stopping by my house, I am no fun today but am home. I have a stomach bug and poor Z is very bored.
JS,
In our state the bio parent is given a plan and a lot of services to work in order to become a good enough parent. The year is a legal thing. In other places in the US and other places in the world, there are other timelines. R did not sign her rights away so it doesn't matter what anyone predicted. She gets her year, potentially 15 months and she gets, in her case, services that take up 3 days a week. She needed to choose to comply and was given an awfully long time to engage in the process.
When she was completely absent those first almost 10 months I would think that would make for a no brained of a decision. Not the way it works in our state.
Tikun Olam,
Have been busy all day but I wanted to post a "Good Luck tomorrow" message. I can't imagine what R is wanting out of tomorrow's hearing, but her actions over the past two weeks seem to speak quite clearly to me. I can't imagine how the judge would not come to the same conclusion.
I'll be watching for your update. Good luck,
Kathy
TO,
Good points on the difference between states for adoption... Where I live a judge can order that the child be adopted, but Mom have access. We have Case workers that specifically deal with these cases - setting up the visits, transfering photographs... The adoptive families name/location etc is NEVER given out, and often the visits are still supervised. Some adoptive families actually supervise the visits themselves.
I realise that Mom has had the option of 'signing CD over' this whole time... Your right, she could have done it by now... But some of these parents may not consider the option unless it is presented to them. Right now (or even several months ago - heck, maybe even a year ago) the case against her is so strong, and there has been enough "time" for Mom to come to terms with everything... So maybe presenting this option now would have some merit. (Whereas doing it a month after the child was apprehended might be a little less sucessful.)
I just feel that it almost empowers the Mom to 'decide the fate of her child', rather than have it forced on her. A lot of bio parents hold a lot of resentment towards the system, and I (naively) thought this might help bio's come to terms with 'reality'.
I really hope that the court does not give any extentions tomorrow. Good luck to you,
I guess I just feel that when bio's meet with the Case Worker everything is based on 'how to get the child back' - most CWs will not immediatly try to get Mom to surrender her rights (I would be afraid of a lawsuit!!!!). I just feel that presenting adoption as an option should be put forward more often, and more firmly.
I realise that Mom hasn't asked for any of what I suggested, but I suggested it for 2 main reasons.
1) Maybe more bio parents would surrender their rights willingly, and in a more timely manner, if they knew they could still have occaional contact with their child
2) A lot of adopted children want to know who and where their parents are - even if they are really happy in their adoptive home. Granted, some adoptive kids could care less, but a lot of adoptees seek out their birth parents, and feel a longing to 'know' their bios - even if, once they meet them, they decide they don't want contact with them anymore.
That being said: there was a case here where a foster mom adopted 2 chidren from foster care. I had supervised the children's visits for 2 years. I strongly, strongly recommended that the birth mother be given NO ACCESS after the adoption.
Each case should be examined on its own merits. I totally understand if ongoing contact is a negative. Even though CD's mom can not be a primary parent, it seems like she had a bond at one time, so I thought contact a few times a year would be okay - but i don't know her, and am not an expert... Was just putting it out there.
all the best for tmw
I think the birth-mom was saying good-bye...
I hope all goes well at the hearing. Good luck!
The current thinking in the world of adoption is certainly pro open or semi open adoption. Adoptees are almost always at minimum curious about where they came from and who they came from. There are many reasons I asked for pictures of R and why I keep asking questions about her and CD's half siblings. I want to have that information for CD as she will likely want to know her life story and that is certainly an important piece of it.
However, if CD's mother does not put forth any interest in being a part of CD's life, I don't think it is a good idea for CD to continue to experience the abandonment over and over as the mother continues to not show up for visits and flake on her. R is currently a person that is simply a stranger to CD. She doesn't like being left with her. In the future, she may feel differently. However, if CD's mother does not want any contact with her daughter (as she has chosen with her son), I am certainly not going to put CD in a position for more pain. She has been through enough.
This is not Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom for those who are familiar. This is not a story of a mother who offered her child a better life for her sake and out of love for her child.
OMG Catelyn & Tyler... I want to adopt them! They are courageous and amazing. I don't understand how those kids turned out as well as they did with their backgrounds? My only guess is they must've had a lot of love regardless of the abuse/neglect they suffered?
I think Catelynn and Tyler may have saved each other. And love is there from both moms, even the dad, despite the problems.
I understand that their story has inspired many pregnant teens to consider making an adoption plan as an option. While I understand why the show is controversial, teen pregnancy took a significant drop in 2009 when the show hit. I think Catelynn and Tyler, as well as their birth child's parents, have done an amazing job on the show.
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