The other day, an experienced foster/adoptive parent and tweep of mine, @tubaville said, "the closer these things get, the further away they seem."
@tubaville captured how I was feeling that day. I was feeling down after a conversation with a fellow foster parent earlier that day. Her foster son and CD both attend the same daycare. Her foster son's biological mother was absent from the time of his birth until post Permanency Hearing, 15 months in total. She reappeared *after* the permanency goal became adoption. When the biological mother reappeared, she was also pregnant with twins. I was very discouraged to learn that after all of that, the judge in that case ordered a Bonding Evaluation (click to learn what that is)! I've got to say, I couldn't believe the absurdity of that court order. I have done bonding evaluations in custody cases. Who expects a quality bond between a fifteen month old and a biological mother that he has never met?? Ridiculous!
The foster mother said, "ugh, those permanency hearings mean nothing."
Great. And here I was hoping that this hearing would be some kind of indicator of what there is to come. Another year, I know. We have another year of all this before an adoption would happen, if an adoption is going to happen. Which I think it will. Most of the time.
I would love for a Bonding Evaluation to be ordered for CD. Why don't we put her in the middle of a room with myself and R and see to whom she is more closely bonded? I think that is a great way to spend taxpayer money. We wouldn't want a judge to make a decision until he was sure that CD is more closely bonded with the woman with whom she has spent the last 12 months of her life.
So, while we celebrate one year of having CD in our lives, we are no where near having anything resolved and it looks like next week's court date may just be one more hoop to jump through with countless hoops still ahead.
I am grateful every day that CD knows nothing of what is happening around her. She is busy with her little friends, her spray bottles, baby pool and walking around in Mommy's shoes with her little red toe nails ("polish like Mommy!").
Oh, and R cancelled today's visit. She can't make it. I can't say I have shed any tears over it.
6 comments:
I really hope that this doesn't drag out any longer. R cancelled today's visit? SHE was the one that set it up! If she can't make time to see her daughter now, how will she effectively parent in the future? WHY do these lame parents keep "getting in the way"... They don't fight to get the child back, they just interact enough to cause stress and mayhem.
I don't know how you deal with this.
Pure insanity. The bonding hearing reminds me of two people trying to get a dog to come to them to prove which one the dog likes more. This is how we handle situations with real, live people? This is so primitive. It proves nothing. When the child has no memories of their bio mom what can it show? When a child is older they may just go to the bio mom out of feelings of longing and abandonment to try to make things better.
Hopefully your judge has some working brain cells.
Anon,
I am dealing with it the best I can. It is easier during the school year when I am busier with my patients in the schools where I work. Now, with more time on my hands than I have during the school year, I am hitting the gym and hoping to get absorbed in some extensive home renovating.
I think the hearing next week is an indicator of what is to come. Without more knowledge of the details of the case or individuals involved, the judge's order for a bonding evaluation seems like a CYA type action to me - upsetting to the foster family but without any potential to change the direction.
R's decision to cancel this visitation (the last one before the hearing?) seems like further evidence that the outcome should be TPR.
Hang in there - only a few more days until you clear this hurdle.
Kathy
I agree with you - It is so important that CD is experiencing a stable, joyful life despite all of this chaos going on. Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoy reading your blog.
well i agree that permanency hearings mean nothing, because my plan was adoption and that sure as hell didnt happen in 11 years.
that being said, if CD had one of those bonding evaluations, CD would fail if "R" was in the room and get an A+ if you were.
in a way it is good that CD has no clue who "R" is, so that she doesnt feel hurt everytime "R" fails to do what she should be doing..
"R" has made her choice and her child is not the first priority. biology doesnt make family; love and caring makes family. "R" missed that boat.
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