A message from Mommy R to me via the case manager

On Friday, CD's mom, R, came for a psychological assessment. While she was in the area, the case manager called and asked if I could bring CD to see her mom. CD had a chance to see her mom for the first time this month. It is amazing how much CD has grown up. I met the case manager outside of the office building where the visit was going to take place. At first CD cried and said, "no, I stay with Mommy" but after I handed her over to Ms. B (the case manager) and told her a few times that she is ok and how happy Mommy R will be to see her and how when she is done playing with Mommy R, Ms. B would take her in the car back to Mommy and Z, she stopped crying.

The visit went well. R is very good at engaging CD and now that CD can trust that she will be ok with Mommy R and will be returned back to the family she knows, she is less anxious. It is wonderful to see that the visits are becoming less difficult for CD, even if she doesn't see R for a few weeks between them. Later, when at home, I was on the phone with my husband telling him that CD had a last minute visit with R, CD thought I was on the phone with R and said, "Hi R!"

When Ms. B arrived back at my house after the visit, she told me that R is losing or has lost her relationship with her boyfriend. Because she is dependent on her boyfriend for her current housing, R may be looking at losing her home as well as the support and stability that she has enjoyed for the last few months. R had told Ms. B to tell me that no matter what happens in this case, she wants my family to always be in CD's life. She told Ms. B to tell me that she knows that we have been doing a great job with CD and that CD loves her "Mommy" and especially Z. CD must have talked about us at the visit. R wants us to visit, take her on vacations, etc.

I know that this does not have any real concrete relevance but I am so glad to know that not only is R not resentful of the role that we are playing in CD's life, but she appreciates that we have been good for CD. I think it says a lot about R's character that she can step outside what must be a tremendous amount of pain for her, and still express that she wants what is good for CD. She likely wants CD to have something that she didn't have. Having been in the System herself as a child in foster care, she knows what it is to want a loving, safe and stable family in her life.

In turn, I told Ms. B to let R know that if it works out that we retain custody of CD, that we would be happy to arrange through an agency or attorney some kind of updates for her so that she doesn't have to be completely cut off from CD. There is no reason that if it is of comfort to R, that we can't send pictures, videos, art projects, etc. for her to have. I would even consider a semi-open adoption as long as it works well with CD's development and R is stable enough for it to be a positive relationship for both of them. My husband is not sure how he feels about that, but it is premature to even make plans in that regard. Adoption isn't what it was when I was growing up. Open and semi open adoption (click here to read about semi open adoptions), for domestic adoptions at least, are quite common and the psychological literature seems to support them as being in the best interest of the adoptee as well as the biological and adoptive parents. Again, premature to really think about that though.

So, we've regrouped and our family realizes that we are likely in for a much longer time period before anything is resolved than we had expected. But we are ok. CD is doing well, her interactions with R are positive and I am trusting that in the long run, the decisions that will be made in court will ultimately be good for CD. After reading some of the judge's decisions, I have come to choose to believe that if CD does not stay with us, it is only because she and her bio mother have redeveloped a strong bond and R is doing well enough to truly be a good mother to CD.