Nightmares to deal with stuff I won't entertain during the day

Today marks 16 months since CD joined our family. I will never forget reading Rebecca of Fosterhood's blog when her foster daughter went back to her mother at the 15 month mark. I remember thinking that I never want to be in that position. I could only imagine her pain at losing a child that she had once thought she would likely adopt. Here we are at 16 months, expecting that adoption is the likely outcome when we are still far from it being a foregone conclusion to this story.

As a parent, as I am sure most parents can relate, I find that while our children bring us the greatest joy in life, they are also our greatest source of stress.

Last night I was riddled with nightmares. I dreamt about J, my 13 year old, being given a hard time by staff at his school for considering switching schools next year. I am sure my concerns about making a decision about Z's schooling for next year was integrated into the dream as well but I don't remember all the details.

I also dreamt that we went to court and found out we were losing CD.

In my waking hours, I don't think all that much about the paternity test we are waiting on. It is easy, when awake, to intellectualize and remind myself that it is unlikely that Mr D is the biological father and even if he is, that he would be a willing and fit parent for CD after all this time. In my waking hours, most of the people I have mentioned this to shut down all conversation and willingness to be supportive with a casual, "maybe it won't mean anything."

In my dreams I can't help but entertain the thought of maybe it will. I can't help it. We process our inner most fears and anxieties in our dreams. Maybe there are not too many people who want to entertain the thought with me and allow me to express my fears out loud, but the thoughts are there regardless and not entirely under my control.

I can't just be "optimistic."

I feel like saying to people who seem so dismissive, "put yourself in my shoes, imagine, just for a second, what it would be like to lose a child you have been raising for 16 months. A child you love as your own. Imagine you have committed the rest of your life to being her forever mom, everyone involved believes that this is what is going to happen, her biological mother has walked away knowing you would become her forever mom in her stead and then you would have to go on with life without her."

Imagine worrying that your child could have to suffer the pain of losing her parent(s) a second time to go to be raised by yet another person who would be brand new to her. And this time, she would be old enough to understand what is happening to her.

Yes, I made this choice. And people are not obligated to imagine walking in my shoes or offer support. But its nice when they do because this foster/adopt thing can be a scary and lonely place.