Last night I learned that one of the named fathers took a paternity test. R has never said that she believes that this man is CD's father, in fact, she insists that another man, Mr. E, fathered her and claims that CD looks just like him. She asked our previous case manager over and over to chase after Mr. E to take a paternity test. I believe R was hoping that Mr. E would take custody of CD and raise her. The father of her first child is raising their son, perhaps she was hoping this would be repeated with CD.
However, for whatever reason, the System believes that Mr. D could be CD's father. Mr. D inquired about her and took a paternity test. We are currently waiting on results. I admit this has me pretty freaked out. However, though I never got to know R that well, I do get the feeling that she was sure of CD's paternity and Mr. E has made it very clear that he will not be stepping forward to take any paternity test or come to court. I know that our case manager will be making an in person visit to see Mr. E anyway though, after all, they are looking to terminate his rights.
R is missing and has been since early August. I don't mean just not visiting. No one involved in this case has been able to locate her. In fact, the Office of the District Attorney has filed a Missing Person's Report. The whole thing is really quite surreal. I feel an odd sort of connection to R. She is not only CD's birth mother but she is also her first mother. She is a woman who has been nothing but polite to me and expressed appreciation to others regarding our care of her daughter. I am hoping that she is safe and ok. I am glad that she can at least feel confident that her daughter is being well cared for. I know that in the past she hasn't been safe nor ok and no matter how much I want to adopt CD, I would never wish anything bad on R.
Meanwhile, CD is thriving. After sixteen months as a member of our family, she is only 3 months shy of her third birthday. She has her first best friend. They sit next to each other at school whenever they can and I am told they often hold hands and give each other hugs. She is an affectionate and sweet girly girl with a tough, strong willed assertive side. I can't even imagine this child not being my forever daughter.
11 comments:
I, too, hope she will be your forever daughter. Love hearing little updates about CD - very cute that she has her first best friend.
I'm not shedding any tears that R hasn't shown up, but I really do hope she's OK. I hope it's more a case of not wanting to be found, for whatever reason, than that she can't be found.
I'm curious how this paternity issue is handled. They just ask her who the father is? What if she named 20 men? They try to track them all down? Seems like a phenomenal waste of time and effort. Makes more sense to test men who actually come forward and want to be the child's father. What's the point in a paternity test for an unwilling man who has never spent a second with his child and has no desire to be a father to the child in the first place? I mean, the goal is to find the best environment for the child, no? How can that possibly be with a man who has no interest in being a father?
And if the test does come back positive what then? They try to force him to be the father he doesn't want to be the same way they're trying to force R? The logic here really escapes me.
It gets to something you wrote that irked me. You said "terminate his rights." What rights? Because his genetic material happened to be in the right place at the right time he now has "rights"? (that was originally written slightly more crudely, but I cleaned it up - the sentiment remains though). I seriously don't get this whole issue of rights stemming from a couple of chromosomes.
Parenthood is an EARNED right not one that is acquired genetically.
Praying for you guys. I know how hard it is to wait. God put CD in your family and I'm praying that you will adopt her.
Yeah, they track down all the men. They don't know if the men know about her. And sure, bio dads have rights. That's true always. Sperm donors sign away their rights, don't they? If her bio father is determined and he wants CD he will have a background check etc. and if he is fit, CD goes to him. If he isn't fit, he will probably be given a chance to become fit. I don't know for sure, but Mr. D may have not known that CD existed until he was sent a letter recently.
And really? Parenthood is not really earned, its more like you are a parent if the child has your genetics unless proven otherwise. Case has essentially been made for R as no longer a parent. "Dad" may not have been given a chance if he didn't know.
The goal is not the "best" environment for the child really. Its more like if the bio parents can't meet a minimum set of criteria, there is a plan B. We are still plan B. Hopefully the permanency hearing will change us to the front runners though. I understand that this judge is big into caring about who the "psychological parents" of the child are and the damage that could be done to the child if s/he were to lose those parents. I am banking on that.
I'm suggesting that the biological basis for parenthood is overrated. I really see only a limited set of circumstances for where it should matter:
1) As a default condition in giving biological parents the first shot at being parents to the child.
2) As a method of requiring child support and forcing responsibility on biological parents for bringing children into the world.
In fact, thinking about it, I would prefer to say the right exists in the child and not the biological parent. In other words, the child has the right to be loved and cared for and have his/her basic needs met. By default those rights should be met by the biological parents, but if they prove unable to protect the child's rights, the state should intervene and find someone better to protect the child's rights.
Because the System (and society) view the rights as stemming biologically from the parents, you get these kind of warped procedures and obscene results. So, R gets chance after chance and D can show up out of nowhere and assert his "claim" on CD as if she is his property.
If the rights stem from the child as a human being deserving of care, you don't have these issues. R would be seen as unable to protect CD's rights and that would be the end of that - no million and one chances waiting for her to come around. Similarly, a clock would run on D's ability to be the default caretaker. There would be no right to be the caretaker just because of biological relation if too much time has elapsed - the question would be how to best ensure the child's rights are protected (foster care, adoption, or maybe bio is best).
The tricky aspect is sperm/egg donation since if the right is in the child, the donor can't sign that away. An exception can exist for this under the theory that even if found they wouldn't be the best to protect the child's rights anyways.
I haven't fully fleshed it out, but it's an interesting change in perspective. Parents have a tremendous amount of leeway because society sees them as having a "property claim" of sorts on their children. For example, parents can spank and engage in other corporal punishment for this reason. If the right stems from the child, I would imagine this would not be allowed.
Maybe this isn't so coherent, but I figured I'd share it anyways.
I agree with pretty much everything you are saying. And if you push the argument, you get into complications because you have to revisit the minimum criteria that would need to exist in order for a parent to be consider the one that the child has a "right" to have.
The comments that come to this blog every now and then that I don't print are the ones from ppl who view what I am doing as kidnapping another person's rightful property. R is the "real" mother and apparently nothing can change that in their eyes.
Well, for the sake of CD and all your family, I hope if D, E or any other letter of the alphabet is found to be the biological father, the man will be enough of a mensch to do the right thing, and not insist of his "rights".
I do hope nothing horrible has happened to R.
And I'm so glad to hear about CD and her best friend. So lovely!
Hope things to continue on track for you all!
Kathy
The comments that come to this blog every now and then that I don't print are the ones from ppl who view what I am doing as kidnapping another person's rightful property. R is the "real" mother and apparently nothing can change that in their eyes.
That's utterly insane! In general, the reason the child is in foster care and being adopted is because the birth parent(s) cannot properly care for the child.
Mark, the people who leave these comments don't sound well. I believe they are (mostly, if not all) people who had their children taken from them and they believe not only were they wronged but it must be true of every child removed from his/her family.
Of course the potential dad has to be given a chance--as TO says, he might not have known that he might have had a child until now. Especially if R thought the dad was someone else, she wouldn't have told him. But even if he is the dad, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll want to be a full-time parent. Good luck TO!
Did they give you a time frame for getting back the paternity test results? Waiting on tiptoes for you - have a happy Thanksgiving together!
I was told we would find out before the court date but I am calling the case manager today to see if he heard anything.
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